The key to good parenting is to give your child generous doses of “one-on-one, eye contact time” while being genuinely involved in their activity.  True quality time is to have no other agenda than to be totally with your child!  Parents instinctively provide children with this type of immediate contact during infancy, but often get distracted or “forget” that as their child grows older they still require this real quality time from both mother and father!

When parents provide a child with a “secure base”, then they develop a stronger sense of self, more confidence, and feel safe enough to discover their innate gifts and talents.  With a secure base, children can grow into adults who have the self-assurance to make their way in the world and achieve intimacy in relationships, success in careers, and personal fulfillments along the way!

From infancy onward, it is crucial that parents emphasize teaching rather than discipline.  Teaching a child values, skills, and boundaries is a way of addressing problems before they occur, while disciplining deals with problems after they have already occurred.  When parents discipline a child who has not completed a task, or has spoken inappropriately, or has not done well in school, then there is a greater chance of shaming, guilting, or scaring the child into compliance with the desired behavior.  When parents teach their children, then there is greater likelihood that the child learns cooperation and achieves feelings of competency and self-esteem as they develop their sense of self.

Effective parenting must begin with the task of modeling appropriate behavior for the child.  Children learn best through the observed and felt actions of the parent.  A mother or father’s words of teaching or discipline can be proved meaningless in the child’s eyes if that parent does not “walk the walk” of their talks, lectures, or demands.  In addition to consistent and unconditional love, the most essential and ongoing tasks of parenting are to actively demonstrate to your child that you can communicate directly, express vulnerable feelings, set boundaries, make efforts to understand, show empathy, manage anger, tolerate frustrations, and be open-minded. Children need us for their development and rely on us to set the example!

Michael Levittan, Psychotherapist specializes in treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Spousal Abuse, Child Abuse in the greater Los Angeles area. He also works as an Expert Witness, Media Psychologist, and is currently in development to do his own Anger Management Reality TV Show.