From the Editor...Michael Levittan, PhD

Men’s Violence Toward Women: Fear of the Feminine and Ultramasculinity

What is the biggest insult, the nastiest put-down that a boy can suffer? What is the most shameful indignity, the most humiliating comment that a man must endure? It is to be referred to as a woman! It is to be called a name that compares one to a woman or to a part of a woman’s body.  Why is this feminine reference or comparison the biggest insult? Because, beginning in childhood, boys are not just taught, but conditioned to live up to the prevailing male standards of their place and time.  If the once-innocent child falters or fails in any way to exhibit masculine qualities, then he is often picked-on, left out, shamed, scorned, scapegoated, or beat-up by other boys. In some cases, he may be degraded or beaten by his own father.  So, for most men, the biggest insult is really their greatest fear!

 

The cost of failing to maintain their fabricated masculine identity is frightening to men at a core level. They feel compelled to continually reassert and prove themselves as a man.  In order to both appease the demands of the “Masculine Ideal” (which is perpetuated by the “Patriarchal Society”) and create as much distance as possible from the feminine, boys attempt to attain “ultramasculine” qualities.  They aspire to be the strongest, toughest, bravest, coolest, baddest, wealthiest male. They try to acquire the hottest car, truck, or motorcycle, the biggest house, best office, most fascinating toys, prettiest women, most sexual conquests, or one could say, the biggest penis!

 

It is the ultramasculine male who is most admired by both boys and men. Ultramasculinity mandates that males act with aggression, competition, authority and domination. It mandates that men control and triumph over the women in their lives.

 

Violence is both a tool and the ultimate confirmation of identity for the ultramasculine male.  It is logical to conclude that fear of the feminine fuels men to strive for ultramasculinity, value aggression over emotionality and use “power” to control the women in their lives.  The acceptance and integration of the fear of the feminine represents the ultimate liberation from the trap of masculinity and the confines of having to oppress women! It also represents an enlightened and promising path out of the oppressive confines of domestic violence!

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EVERYONE GETS ANGRY!

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  THE MEANING AND ESSENCE OF ANGER MANAGEMENT

Anger management is one of the “hot” phrases of the 21st century.  It is a concept that is often used, often suggested, but little understood.  A good working definition of anger management is: “The insertion of rational thought into a mind that is consumed with anger.”  The universally difficult task is to achieve that rationality!

 

The costs of unmanaged anger are enormous.  People who cannot control their angry feelings cause hurt, insult, abandonment, abuse, violence, and death.  The consequences of unchecked aggression occur worldwide and manifest in all contexts: homes, schools, workplaces, restaurants, cafes, streets, stores, busses, trains, airplanes, freeways, etc.  It would seem to be imperative that both adults and children learn anger management skills and tools as soon as possible.  It is axiomatic that if you don’t control anger, then it will control you!

   

There are crucial misconceptions regarding the emotion of anger.  To begin with, anger is a universal feeling.  Everyone experiences anger.  In fact, everyone experiences anger every single day.  To both comprehend the concept and master the practice of anger management, we must increase our awareness of each of the small or large annoying, frustrating, irritating, disappointing, and confusing moments that we endure on a daily basis.  Each of these challenging moments are representative of emotions that are  actually subcategories of anger.

 

A second salient concept regarding anger is that people usually fail to recognize their  anger until it has reached an overwhelming stage.  When we are yelling, cursing, clenching our teeth,  pounding our fist, slamming a door, or hitting something or someone, then we know that we are angry!  Anger can be such a frightening, shame-filled emotion that people are often reluctant to acknowledge it in themselves.  It is convenient to point at others as being angry and out-of-control, but not us!  In treatment, I often hear clients say: “I felt so annoyed.” “I was really frustrated.” “I was freaking-out!”  Then, the client adds: “But, I wasn’t angry.” 

 

The truth is that most of us not only have difficulty acknowledging anger but struggle with managing this volatile and consuming emotion.  Oftentimes, there exists a lifelong fear of dealing with angry feelings.  If parents abandoned their children or intimidated them with anger, then children grow up afraid to be involved in confrontations and cautious about being assertive..  If parents lacked the ability to manage anger in their interactions with each other, then children fail to acquire the tools or the tolerance to express anger in appropriate ways.  Instead, children internalize the “fight-or-flight” response of their elders and reenact that response in subsequent relationships.

 

 A little physiology is in order: The more primitive part of the human brain – the “hindbrain” - has much in common with our animal ancestors.  Fear and threat messages received in the limbic system, particularly the amygdale, are then relayed to the adrenal glands.  Once adrenalin is secreted, the fight-or-flight response is activated and the animal or the human is immediately reduced to two options: either run away or go off on someone!

 

Referring back to our definition of anger management, the key to modifying the fight-or-flight response is to engage the pre-frontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain.  This feature of advanced intelligence is (hopefully) our great advantage over the animal kingdom.  Engaging our thought processes actually involves a counter-instinctive response.  When threats emerge, both humans and animals focus on that threat in preparation for either running or fighting.  The external danger must be reduced.  However, the very root of anger management begins with an introspective process.  The most efficient method of engaging our thinking brain is to focus on ourselves!   

 

Managing anger is so universally difficult to achieve because of this counter-intuitive action.  In the midst of the threat – hurt, insult, disrespect, disappointment, neglect – we must think about our own thoughts, feelings, sensations, behaviors, etc.  Obviously, this is no easy task, but – like playing the violin – it requires knowledge, commitment, dedication, and concentration, and improves with practice.

 

The introspective process of anger management starts with asking questions – questions about ourselves: “Am I angry?” “How angry am I?” “What is ‘triggering’ my anger?”  “What other feelings do I have?” “Is there another way to view this interaction?”  “What is the other person – my temporary adversary - going through?” and, ultimately, “What is the best way to deal with this situation?”

 

Once we just try to answer these self-directed questions, then we are thinking and engaging our pre-frontal cortex.  The anger does not go away, but rational thought is now being inserted into the flood of anger that is occupying our psyches.  In a sense, the anger is diluted by the introduction of cognition and its intensity is reduced.  Human beings are quite capable of modifying the fight-or-flight response and thus, capable of managing anger!

  

Self-awareness is the first step to anger management.  In the heat of the moment, it is imperative to be as immediate and specific as possible with the knowledge of our angry feelings.  The primary tool may be termed: “Recognizing the Signs of Anger.”  We must learn about our anger on intimately, personal levels: 1)Behavioral - “What actions do I typically take when I am angry?”; 2)Physiological - ”What do I experience in my body when I am angry?”; 3)Emotional - ”What feelings usually go along with my anger?”  When we gain awareness of our typical reactions to anger, then we become more familiar with ourselves, and we begin to develop actual signposts in our minds that represent these signs of anger. 

 

Once we begin to recognize angry feelings, then we need to gain control over them.  This can be achieved by engaging the thought process to quantify the intensity of our angry feelings.  The appropriate tool is called: “Levels of Anger.”  It can become increasingly facile to designate a number to our anger – with “1” being the lowest and “10” being the highest.  An efficient method of breaking down anger is to assign a number to specific angry feelings, e.g. “annoyance” = 1; “irritation” = 3; “upset” = 5; “frustration” = 6; “agitation” = 7; “furious” = 10; etc.  When using this anger management tool, it is important to personalize the feeling, as various emotions affect people in different ways.  For some, “disgust” = 3, while for others, “disgust” = 8!   

 

When we gain awareness of anger and specify its intensity, then we are well on the road to anger management.  In order to make use of the tools, “Recognizing the Signs of Anger” and “Levels of Anger,” we need to achieve a mental state akin to the “Sounds of Silence.”  We need to use our minds to create the necessary space to think about ourselves and not the external source of stimulation, or more pointedly, aggravation.  With the creation of mental space, we can then hear, see, smell, taste, touch, and sense anger before its sudden arrival.  It is analogous to the hasty, yet diligent preparations that one undertakes as the hurricane is approaching.  We must be quick, expedient, and concentrated in our efforts to gain control of the coming storm of emotionality. 

There is no time to lose. 

 

When anger is managed, then we gain mastery over its’ expression.  Our minds begin to create options for releasing angry feelings.  We can assert ourselves, think about the situation some more,

or revisit it later.  Significantly, we begin to achieve equanimity in our minds and help to create peace in our environments!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Key to Anger Management is Being Assertive

By Dr. Michael Levittan

In today’s world, anger management has become a necessary concept to understand and practice in order to effectively navigate the challenges of family, work, school and social life. It is commonly thought that managing angerinvolves not getting angry anymore.  The reality is that  everyone gets angry and each of us feels some anger everysingle day. The “secret” of managing anger has to do with gaining control of our feelings and directing their course into safe and constructive expressions.  Anger is such an intense, volatile and confounding emotion that most people want nothing to do with it. They blame, pretend, escape and deny feelingsof anger at the cost of “acting-out” in destructive ways. It is more comfortable to point out others as being angry, but it is not as acceptable to acknowledge one’s own anger. Admitting to anger seems to be tantamount to admitting defeat.

 

The root of denying anger originates with the difficult or traumatic experiences that many of us have endured at the hands of an angry mother, father, step-parent, brother, sister or grandparent. If our primary caretakers could not appropriately express angry feelings, but instead criticized, ridiculed, raged, intimidated, humiliated or abandoned us, then we learn ineffective and abusive methods of expressing anger and we develop defenses to protect us from angry interactions and angry feelings.  People go to great lengths to avoid acknowledging their own anger. Therefore, a major difficulty in managing anger involves the “counterintuitive movement of the mind” that is necessary to successfully gain control of  emotionality.

 

Rather than deny its existence, we need to embrace our anger. We must re-examine and modify our entire attitude toward the feeling of anger. We need to be fierce in our awareness of related emotions that are in fact part of anger: annoyance, irritation, frustration, impatience, upset, hurt, rejection, disappointment, disrespect, neglect, betrayal, etc.  As Freud taught, feelings can be repressed or suppressed, but they do not go away. According to Freud’s theory of the unconscious mind, the “law of return” mandates that repressed material eventually resurfaces to consciousness.  Without appropriate processing, these repressions may manifest in behavior that is extreme in intensity and what we call “out-of-control.” Examples of “unprocessed” acting-out behavior include: outbursts of anger, adult temper tantrums, violent episodes, sudden abandonment, revenge attacks, etc.  A fundamental approach to anger management focuses on understanding the four basic types of behavior:

 1) passive

2) aggressive

3) passive-aggressive

4) assertive

 

Passive Behavior Isn’t Healthy

Passive behavior tends to follow from denial of anger and repression of traumatic events. The compliance and self-sacrifice of passivity inevitably lead to the build-up of more anger, as our feelings and needs are not being addressed. Those who suppress their emotionality and engage in passive behavior can do so for only so long.  No one can remain passive forever and no one is immune to the build-up of anger. Everyone has his or her own particular “fuse” that will result in a verbal or physical explosion of anger.  This type of anger release is often at the root of aggressive behavior. With aggression, people sacrifice others for the sake of themselves. They may yell, curse, throw or break things, slam doors, pound their fist, hit someone or suddenly “storm-out” without warning.  Aggressive behavior can be used to get your way, manipulate, intimidate or gain control of others.  Unfailingly, passivity will lead to passive-aggressive behavior.

 

According to the law of return, when anger is repressed it must find an outlet in behavioral form. If anger is not immediately released as aggression, then the angry feelings begin to “leak” out. The leaking of anger is the basis of passive-aggression, which is manifested in: sarcasm, cruel jokes, withholding, omissions, forgetfulness and sabotaging behaviors. Passive-aggressive behavior has its own particular “sting” that is often remembered years later.  Unless the house or the office is burning down, assertive behavior is the healthiest expression of angry feelings.  Self-assertion is so very difficult to achieve because most of us have had little opportunity to experience and learn assertiveness. Additionally, assertive behavior requires doing two things at once: on the one hand, we must state our own feelings and needs in a clear and direct manner, and on the other hand, we must express ourselves with compassion

and consideration for the other person.

 

The Benefits of Being Assertive

Assertive statements are made in a calm, measured, but straightforward manner.  Assertions are to the point with one or two brief sentences being sufficient. It is crucial that you gain your audience’s attention before making your assertions.  The assertive position ensures that you allow time for a response to your statements and demonstrate genuine interest in that response. You must make efforts to gain and maintain eye contact throughout the interaction and communicate sincere compassion, consideration and interest with your eyes.  It is revealing that people often claim to be assertive, when they are in fact being aggressive. With assertive behavior, you are not focused on convincing or winning arguments.

Assertiveness is about fairness and mutuality. It is based on encouraging all parties to be heard, reaching decisions based on everyone’s input, and allowing all participants to walk away from the interaction or meeting with their selfesteem intact.  Each person needs to feel important to the process of negotiation that is a part of all interactions.  It is true that anger must be managed to some degree in order to make an assertive statement, it is also true, however, that the thorough understanding and conscious application of assertive behavior can lead to consistently sound anger management. It may well be that the essential challenge for humanity to establish peaceful home, work and global environments is to develop guidelines for assertive behavior and reward its practice.

 

Michael Levittan, Psychotherapist specializes in treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anger Management, Domestic Violence, Spousal Abuse, Child Abuse in the greater Los Angeles area. He also works as an Expert Witness, Media Psychologist, and is currently in development to do his own Anger Management Reality TV Show.